Everything I Ever Wanted…

…and more.

This was my FB memory today. Five years ago I was in a bad place. My roommates staged an intervention because I had lost a scary amount of weight. I was in a neglectful and emotionally abusive relationship. And I didn’t think I deserved any better.

Five years ago, I could have never imagined my life today.

I met my now husband when I was exiting the aforementioned bad relationship. At the time neither of us were looking for anything, life just decided that it was the time for our paths to cross. We have had our arguments, but the one fight we will never lose is fighting for our relationship. Parenthood has been strenuous for us at times, but I never question his love for me, or his motivations. I thought when I married him I had achieved that “being someone’s whole world” thing. I was wrong…

Sure, I always dreamed of being a Mom. I grew up without my own mother present, so I was that much more determined to be the parent that I never had. Try as I might I could never imagine the love I would have for this child in more than just black and white. The second  I held him in my arms, I held my whole world. All the clichés about motherhood paled in comparison to how I felt. And even as I write this I am aware of how the love grows and wells up in my throat- as if my heart cannot contain it. And when he looks at me there it is. At three months old, he cannot say in words that he loves me, but in his eyes…

Motherhood has been everything that I ever wanted and more. From time to time I still feel a little lost, with no direction. But when I look into these eyes, I know that even if I have no other purpose I am here to love, care for and nurture this little boy who looks at me like I am his whole world.